Did you know there are common ways to fail at meeting your self-care needs? Here are the most prevailing reasons women fail at self-care and what to do instead.
I’ve been a nurse for over thirty years and watched the definition of self-care change significantly. When I was in nursing school, self-care strategies helped reduce stress (more on this below) but also started to become a more effective way to keep patients out of the hospital or emergency room.
More recently, healthcare providers have found that teaching patients about symptom or disease-specific self-care tasks is an effective way to improve a patient’s quality of life.
Those living with a common chronic disease (like high blood pressure, COPD, or diabetes) can delay disease progression or prevent debilitating symptoms.
These self-care practices have been so effective that standards of care have even been developed for the symptom management of many conditions.
For example, the American Heart Association has a self-care guide for congestive heart failure patients, making the self-care approach a crucial life skill for people living with life-threatening symptoms. Creating a self-care plan is essential to the success of their treatment plan. <source>
The Self-care Definition Has Changed
But over the years, the health and beauty industry has exploited the self-care term and purpose for profit.
Clever marketing strategies have convinced people it’s less about taking appropriate care of their health and wellness needs and more about self-indulgence.
It’s become less about what you do (or don’t do) and more about what you buy.
This pursuit of profit has created confusing and mixed messages about self-care’s real need and importance.
Unfortunately, now it can be quite easy to fail at self-care. However, there is good news: learning to succeed at self-care can be easy if you know what mistakes to avoid!
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What is Self-Care Now?
Real self-care is still about taking timely and proper care of your physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual needs.
But good self-care should not be confused with selfishness or being self-centered. Meeting your health and wellness needs does not equate to forgetting about others around you.
If anything, a focus on self-care allows you to be a better and more productive person in the long run.
This benefit is especially true if you’re someone who serves or takes care of others.
Self-care is About Finding What Works Best for You
The first step is fully grasping the full value and importance of self-care.
Self-care is an active decision-making process that enables people to engage in their care effectively.
People who have chronic diseases spend more time managing their conditions and providing self-care than they spend with their providers. <source>
But self-care is not meant to be another to-do list.
Rather, it’s about listening to your body’s subtle signals, recognizing them as needs, and identifying the best ways to respond and apply them to your daily life.
But to make self-care work for you means applying only the self-care activities unique to your needs.
Paying attention to what your body needs is crucial to succeeding at self-care.
That’s why different approaches work for different people. While getting ideas or examples of self-care activities from ads and influencers may be okay, only you will know which self-care behaviors work best.
This means marketers and influencers are not the correct resource for daily self-care management.
You are!
Therefore, an important self-care guideline is to remember that everyone’s self-care plan will consist of different things and different types of activities.
So, never compare your self-care routine to another’s or copy someone else’s 100%. Instead, get ideas to try and then pay attention to how you feel after you attempt to meet your needs.
Looking for a way to stay motivated about taking better care of yourself? Check out my Bible study by clicking my affiliate link.
The Reasons Why Women Fail at Self-care
The guideline above is a great start to succeeding at self-care, but women also make several other self-care mistakes.
Here’s a list of the most common reasons people fail at self-care and what to do instead.
1 Women Believe Self-care is Selfish and Indulgent
One of the biggest reasons people fail at self-care is because they inaccurately believe self-care is an indulgence and an act of selfishness.
This is a total myth; self-care is not selfish, but the origins of this myth cannot be ignored or brushed away.
Part of this misperception is related to marketing, as I discussed above.
But part of this misperception is also related to the connection of self-care to healthcare, or more appropriately stated, healthcare access.
As I wrote in the opening paragraph, self-care is connected to healthcare. But, our culture in the United States sees access to medical care (ultimately meaning healthcare coverage) as our individual responsibility (not a social responsibility).
So, in many cases, the people (often women) who do not have access to necessary healthcare services also need good self-care.
The misperception about healthcare access can bleed into self-care perceptions and cause feelings or mindsets of unworthiness, which may prevent women from seeking self-care resources or taking time for themselves.
The social media culture that thrives on making others feel inadequate can also be a significant factor. I mean that because self-care is believed to be an indulgence, the direct effect is to believe it is an extravagance only for the wealthy or the strong.
These views can lead one to believe they:
- Are somehow undeserving of self-care.
- Should feel guilty taking time to meet their self-care needs.
- Should feel shameful, believing they are weak or needy compared to everyone else.
All of these beliefs are unhealthy and can even lead to depressive symptoms.
Self-care is a Necessity for Everyone
You can’t expect to go forever without addressing your own needs.
It’s not only appropriate for everyone to take care of their own needs; making self-care a part of your daily routine is one of the best things you can do to improve or maintain your health and wellness.
Women tend to be nurturing people, and thinking self-care is selfish can muddy the waters, especially for women who serve and care for others.
For example, if you consider yourself to be religious, if you’ve been given the spiritual gift of service, you likely feel drawn towards helping others.
But that doesn’t mean you must give and give indefinitely.
If you have the spiritual gift of service, God knows self-care is essential to you and the people you serve.
Your service can be most powerful and fruitful when caring for yourself. Moreover, taking care of your needs will help you more easily notice when others need your help.
There may be instances or crises when you must serve or care for others until you’re exhausted.
However, it shouldn’t happen routinely. Unfortunately, it seems many women live this way.
Do This Instead
If you’re feeling overwhelmed or even burnt out, the last thing you should do is believe in the self-care myths.
Instead, step back and ask yourself, “What is my body telling me I need physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually?”
Your body may need any number of things; for example,
- getting enough sleep
- eating healthy food
- setting boundaries
- seeing your primary care provider (including going to a free health clinic) and addressing a medical need
- being kinder to yourself
It’s a good thing to meet your self-care needs.
As women, we often ignore or water down the necessity of self-care. We’re all guilty of rushing back to our daily lives and the needs of others without truly asking ourselves what we need or taking the time for self-care.
But good self-care is connected to your self-worth and self-esteem. Self-care helps us feel more confident and be happier adults.
It’s the right thing to do!
2 The Expectation That Self-care Will Work Overnight
While it’s possible to let go of stress or feel more relaxed after a 5-minute self-care break, better health and wellness don’t happen overnight.
A level of effort is required; in this case, the effort is about setting and meeting appropriate goals.
Trying to achieve your self-care goals in giant steps or actions can cause you to fail at self-care and create a greater risk of the following consequences:
- You don’t meet your self-care goals because you take on too much and feel defeated before you begin.
- You feel like a failure because you don’t meet your goal in the time you expected.
Don’t let this happen!
If your goal is to get more physical activity, instead of starting with a goal of jogging 2 miles a day, set smaller objectives that build your way up to the 2-mile daily jog.
For example:
- Find/buy comfortable activewear clothes.
- Find/buy comfortable shoes.
- Start walking a few minutes a day.
- Continue walking/running for several minutes a day.
- Run without walking.
- Run 2 miles.
Strict goals can cause you to end up feeling resentful, which leads to quitting.
Break down significant changes into small, realistic parts.
Keep your steps small and attainable (it pays to start with steps you KNOW you can do). Meeting self-care goals can be rewarding and help you take on new ones.
Another point to remember is not to set goals where you have no control over whether you can meet them.
It is frustrating if you set goals that are out of your control to meet. This is another one of the main things that causes women to fail at self-care.
It Can be Discouraging Not to Meet Your Self-care Goals Immediately
This can also be true if something isn’t working right in your life or you’re feeling sad about something.
For example, if your goal is to eliminate your negative thoughts, you might find that it’s good to express them.
You can do this by keeping a journal or diary to write everything you feel to get it into the open. This strategy helps because they’re not as scary or intimidating once things are in front of you.
But, if there are too many negative thoughts that you want to get rid of, then it’s good to talk to someone who can help you through your feelings instead of ignoring them or taking away an aspect of yourself.
Sometimes, you need help to meet your goals. Therapists excel at helping in this way!
Do This Instead
Assess why you’re not meeting your goal.
You should consider why a goal isn’t working out (without self-blame).
You can also tell someone you trust, such as a friend or family member, so they can help you come up with a good solution.
If you’re feeling bogged down by self-care goals that aren’t working, it may be a great time to take a step back and see where you can break down your self-care goals into smaller bits to work for your lifestyle.
It’s essential to stay focused on your goals and realize that your health and happiness should be something you work towards every day, not just when problems get so severe they need fixing.
3 Self-care Looks (and Feels) Like Work
It would be great if all self-care activities were as enjoyable as bubble baths. But in most cases, self-care takes a lot of effort.
Plus, women are incredibly busy!
Women who work outside of the home go home to meet their spouse’s or children’s needs. Women who work at home feel like they never leave their work.
So many days, even sitting quietly for a few minutes, can take an act of Congress!
Living a busy life can feel overwhelming, especially when it becomes constant.
Priorities blur, and women try to make things work through multi-tasking. The time needed to complete individual tasks becomes harder to judge. Time misconceptions can quickly derail self-care plans; we believe self-care requires a lot of time.
However, most self-care doesn’t require a long time. Rather, self-care can be accomplished in a few minutes a day.
Staying consistent with self-care takes the work, and putting processes in place can help. Additionally, it’s important to remember that we all have these self-care barriers!
You’ll never be able to prevent every barrier, but you can set up strategies to overcome or be ready for them.
Not being able to stay consistent with self-care plans can lead to harmful self-thoughts. This is especially true if we connect having time or consistency barriers with failing at self-care.
Do This Instead
So, to overcome the time myths and stay consistent, set up routines, habits, and systems that help you overcome your barriers.
Accept that self-care obstacles and barriers happen to everyone in life and that overcoming self-care barriers will look and feel like work (but it doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong!).
This valuable mindset will keep you on the right track in the long run and improve your self-care performance.
4 You Will Fail at Self-care if You Make it Complicated
Self-care can be hard to figure out and more challenging to put into practice.
This is especially true when you’re tired, exhausted, and need it the most.
Making good choices when you can’t hardly see straight is hard!
When you don’t care for yourself, you may have less patience, energy, or time for others.
As a result, you might snap more easily or let things slide that you otherwise would have put effort into fixing – to save some of your mental energy (and if you do this often with your kids, you feel like a terrible parent!).
So keep self-care simple.
You Don’t Need a 37-Step Self-care Plan!
Self-care includes taking care of your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual needs. It also includes being kind to yourself and taking time out for your needs – even when it feels difficult.
So, don’t wing it. Create a routine or plan.
But don’t make it so complicated you can’t keep up! Choose two or three activities you know are effective.
Do This Instead
Keep a list of your favorite self-care activities that help you the most. When you don’t have much time or energy, go for the simpler tasks.
And if you can’t muster the energy, ask yourself, “What would I suggest for someone struggling?”
Then, use your empathy skills to come up with ideas for yourself.
5 If You Don’t Own the Responsibility, You Will Fail at Self-care
Not eating well, not exercising, and not getting enough rest can all lead to feelings of sickness, such as
- headaches
- fatigue
- heartburn
- muscle aches
When this happens, we become less able to deal with other stressors, and we’re likely to feel overwhelmed, impatient, and snippy with other people.
Our busy lives and daily tasks take our time and energy away from our self-care needs.
Self-care is easy to put off when we don’t make it a priority.
But, it’s a setup for failure if we expect it to just happen on its own or others to somehow own our self-care. While we all need social support, we must still be accountable to ourselves for our self-care.
Do This Instead
Own the responsibility for self-care.
Put a small step in your morning or evening routine, as you do for brushing your teeth or washing your laundry, and keep it as a priority.
It could be as simple as cooking a healthy dinner a few times a week or going for a short walk with a friend to decompress from a busy day.
When we don’t practice self-care regularly, it becomes overwhelming to try and do it all at once when something gets us down.
People often wait to practice self-care when they’re in a crisis.
Then, they have to spend all their time and energy trying to fix the problem that created the situation.
Unfortunately, this strategy causes burnout and leaves you unable to deal with things until you’ve had time to recuperate.
In closing, take time out of each day to be present for your self-care needs.
For example, if you are feeling overwhelmed or stressed, take a deep breath. Then, allow yourself time to decompress instead of pushing it aside for later.
Of course, everyone deals with stress and anxiety differently, but self-care is a universal necessity for thriving in today’s world.
Work to love and take care of the only body you have.
Don’t forget your FREE Self-care Starter Guide! Get it HERE.
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Be sure to grab your FREE Self-care Starter Guide! Lisa Kimrey is a 33-year veteran registered nurse (RN), speaker, and author of the Bible study, The Self-care Impact: Motivation and Inspiration for Wellness. At Mylifenurse, Lisa combines her nursing expertise with Scripture-based encouragement to show readers who serve and care for others how to begin and maintain their self-care journey – without feeling guilty or overwhelmed – to feel happy, healthy, and rejuvenated.