Setting personal boundaries for your needs can free up space in your schedule and help you feel better about what you can accomplish daily. Planning can go a long way toward creating a life balance that promotes mental health and keeps you healthy, happy, and calm. Here are some tips on setting boundaries for self-care.
How to Set Clear Boundaries
The best way to create more personal space is to create a plan to follow before experiencing a hard time. The first step of boundary setting is to answer a few questions about difficult situations with different people in your life. You may need to create different boundary rules for different situations.
- Figure out what you would like to achieve during interactions with people.
- Identify what you’ll do when someone says or does something that crosses your boundary.
- Acknowledge and respectfully communicate your limits when someone crosses them.
Of course, there are many pieces to those primary steps, so let’s look deeper!
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What is a Self-care Boundary?
The term “boundaries” has many different uses in everyday language. Still, when we talk about setting boundaries for self-care, we mean the limits you set with the people in your life.
When followed, boundaries help save your emotional energy and help you stay in charge of your life when you face conflicting demands of daily life.
Boundaries let you decide what is and isn’t okay to ask of you. Limits also keep you from feeling overwhelmed by all your time and energy demands. Sometimes, thinking of them as physical boundaries, like property lines that must not be crossed, can be helpful.
Everyone needs boundaries.
Boundaries have a place in your personal life and your work life. They add to the value of having a work-life balance.
People who serve and care for others are especially vulnerable and should put self-care boundaries in place.
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Interestingly, people who struggle to set limits for themselves often have difficulty keeping them in place, too. However, knowing and sticking to your limits can help you feel more in control of your life. So, it’s vital to improve your healthy boundary-setting skills continually.
You might already have a few self-care boundaries in place. Still, if you’re having trouble with them, it could be time to reevaluate them and set new ones.
Why are Healthy Boundaries Important?
Boundaries for self-care practices are a critical skill.
It lets you choose who and what gets your time and attention, which sometimes can mean not letting others push you into things you don’t enjoy doing! Boundaries allow you to have a sense of identity.
The basic idea of boundary setting is pretty simple: deciding how much you will do or sacrifice for others in everyday life. People who serve and care for others can have difficulty setting boundaries. However, adequate rest is vital to staying healthy, happy, and calm.
A lack of boundaries often makes those serving feel unhappy, resentful, or taken advantage of by others.
We all want to be seen as helpful, generous, and selfless, but the truth is that even Christians have limits. We can only do so much at a given time before we feel overwhelmed, exhausted, and stressed out. In the long run, these feelings can interfere with our ability to be authentic and serve how we are called to serve.
Setting different boundaries isn’t complicated, but it can be tricky if you’re out of practice. As mentioned above, avoiding things when you lack energy isn’t just a good idea—it’s crucial to your physical health and emotional well-being!
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What About Emotional Boundaries?
Your emotional needs should be included when considering the concept of boundaries.
How you handle boundaries says a lot about how you value yourself. For example, consider:
- Your schedule boundaries – Do you feel guilty about saying “no” to others? Do you always say yes when people ask you to volunteer for more time than you have available?
- Your personal relationships – Do you find asking for what you need easy? Do your family members or friends come over without calling first, or do you feel drained by how much time and energy they require? Are you always making compromises to keep peace in the group?
- Your body—Are you eating junk food because it’s quick and easy, even though you know you’d feel better on a more nutritious diet? Is your schedule so packed that you have no time for self-care routines or taking a deep breath? Or are you skipping exercise because you’re tired after work, even though it would give you the energy to tackle the rest of your day?
If you answered yes to any of the above questions, you may have poor boundaries, and it’s likely time to revise your self-care boundaries.
However, it may very well mean starting with learning to set boundaries with yourself first.
It might seem weird to have boundaries when you’re the only person involved in the situation (like when telling yourself you need some me-time).
But this is when it’s most essential!
You are the only person who can care for yourself, so make boundaries for your peace and happiness. (If you are currently overwhelmed carrying another’s load, you might be interested in this well-written Boundary Bible Study #pd link).
Looking for a way to stay motivated to take better care of yourself? Click my affiliate link to check out my Bible study.
The Connection Between Good Boundaries and Self-care
Self-care means understanding and tending to your needs on a personal level to ensure you’re not pouring from an empty cup but refilling your reserves to be your best selves.
Boundaries give you control over your life and make it easier to love the people around you without feeling like you’ve lost yourself.
Self-care boundaries are priceless and affect everything you do. They allow you to be kind and generous without losing sight of your needs.
There will always be things that aren’t negotiable or open for discussion, but when someone asks something of you (and they do ask!), the best response comes from having a plan before it happens.
Self-care boundaries provide a safe space.
I know it’s easy to think that life will fall apart if you have fewer commitments.
However, when you serve or care for others, you might feel relief when you don’t have to deal with certain people or caregiving situations that drain your energy or complicate things.
Robust self-care boundaries help you take care of yourself (and stay sane!) while still getting necessary work done, spending time with friends and family, and serving others in a way that glorifies God!
And it’s okay to ask for help!
Many people (friends, family, professional counselors) will gladly help you set self-care boundaries if needed.
How Can I Get Started Setting Healthy Personal Boundaries?
An important point to remember is that YOU are in charge of your own life! There are many ways to have boundaries for self-care, but they generally fall into two categories: passive and assertive.
Assertive boundaries are healthy boundaries.
5 Steps to Setting Healthy Boundaries
- Decide what you want to do during an interaction and why it is essential.
- Identify what you will do when someone says or does something that crosses your boundary. (First, ask them to clarify what they just said or meant).
- When someone crosses a boundary, consider the possible motives behind their actions (and whether they realized they were crossing a line).
- Think about why they might want to cross this boundary and plan to address common reasons.
- Use positive communication strategies.
Unhealthy Boundaries versus Healthy Boundaries
Passive Boundaries
Passive boundaries are about not hurting yourself or others.
Examples of passive boundaries include:
- “Going along” with what someone else wants.
- Ignoring it when someone else is rude or disrespectful.
- “I’m not saying anything about what bothers me.”
Generally, these boundaries are considered unhealthy and may signal low self-esteem.
Assertive Boundaries
Assertive boundaries are about standing up for your own needs while still being respectful of other people.
Examples of assertive boundaries include:
- Asking people to stop interrupting you.
- Saying no without over-explaining yourself.
- Giving positive reinforcement when people do something right.
Assertive boundaries are healthy because they allow you to be honest about what you want while considering the other person’s feelings.
10 Practical Examples Of Healthy Self-care Boundaries
Sometimes, it helps to see examples of strong boundaries in real life. So, I’ve listed a few examples of healthy boundaries that you can request or honor for others. Clear communication is critical, so keep it simple.
- Say no if someone asks you to go out and do something and you’re exhausted.
- Practice not interrupting other people while talking or conversing with someone else.
- Don’t overshare your story in certain situations, like when people share their struggles.
- Ask for help or encouragement instead of doing everything yourself when needed.
- When someone wants to hear about your struggles, allow them to ask for details, but don’t offer too much information on your own.
- Say no without explaining why, especially when overwhelmed and stressed.
- If you’re being taken advantage of, say no and set a deadline for the other person to ‘get their act together’ and treat you appropriately.
- Let people know that you need some time alone to recharge.
- When someone asks you to do something, ask yourself if it’s convenient if you want to do it and if you have time in your schedule before committing.
- Start small by setting boundaries in areas of your life where you can take a risk, like canceling plans with a friend who always takes advantage of you.
Setting Boundaries with the People You Care for and Serve
It can be hard to hold boundaries with people you serve and care for, such as elderly parents and children. They push your limits to get what they want or need from you.
And, if you feel called to serve and take care of others, there are times when this will happen, and you’ll have to consider how firmly to set your boundaries prayerfully.
Setting limits on how often you do for others will help prevent them from using guilt or manipulation to get you to do more than you’re comfortable doing.
Not setting this limit can cause resentment towards them and strain your relationships. So, while it may feel like you’re forced to have difficult conversations with people, preventing or repairing unhealthy relationships is essential.
5 Tips for Setting Healthy Self-care Boundaries with People You Care for and Serve
Start small.
You don’t have to tackle all your boundaries in one go or set harsh, rigid boundaries! Instead, start by choosing one person and practice one clear boundary with them.
Don’t expect perfection.
It might be discouraging initially, but you can always try again later, so don’t give up. Boundaries are a healthy form of self-care.
Remember the purpose of your self-care boundaries.
Setting a boundary is not about being selfish. Instead, it’s about being kind to yourself by protecting yourself from people taking advantage of you. Practicing boundaries allows personal growth.
Be respectful.
You deserve respect and kindness from others, even if you know you can’t get it from everyone. Boundaries can also help people in romantic relationships by encouraging them to speak up when they feel disrespected or taken for granted.
People who struggle with boundaries often feel like they owe others or that it’s wrong to stand up for themselves and what they need, but this is a misconception.
Instead, it’s essential to stay true to yourself while still being respectful of others’ feelings.
Having appropriate boundaries isn’t about pushing people away or pulling their feelings; it’s about taking care of yourself and respecting your needs while respecting others.
Expect pushback on your boundaries
It’s normal for people to try to test your boundaries, so don’t feel upset! Just be prepared and stay firm when necessary.
Don’t apologize.
If you set a boundary, people might get angry, disappointed, or sad, so be prepared for their reaction.
Do not apologize or withdraw from your decision because you are worried about hurting someone else’s feelings. Other people might get angry when they don’t get what they want, so remind yourself that having your priorities is okay. If you set boundaries, you protect yourself from being taken advantage of or mistreated.
People might get mad when you select a limitation, but it is often because they wish things were as they used to be! It can be painful for them to realize that you now have a choice about whom you give your time and love.
Don’t worry – remember, having boundaries doesn’t mean that you don’t care about other people. It just means that you’re taking care of yourself and respecting what you need, which is the right thing to do!
PRO TIP
If you know someone will be disappointed that you can’t do what they asked, soften the blow with a simple, kind explanation for why you must say ‘no.’
As I mentioned, saying no in a kind, respectful way helps de-escalate the situation. However, suppose someone continues asking too much of you after you’ve clarified your position.
In that case, you should not feel guilty about setting firmer boundaries or walking away.
You don’t have to struggle through things just because other people want you to; you’re the one who will live with your decisions. Some consequences of decisions last a long time.
If the other person cares about you, they’ll understand and respect your feelings, even if they don’t like them.
If their boundaries seem to have disappeared, that might signal that it’s time to reevaluate the relationship. Keeping your distance from people who want more of you than you can give is okay!
The good news is you have many different choices.
5 Practical Examples of Boundaries for People You Care For and Serve
Some ideas can include:
- Use as few words as possible to convey your point, like “no” or “that’s not okay with me.”
- Consider how you want to feel around the person and set a boundary that reflects those feelings.
- Make a specific action plan for what you’ll do if someone crosses one of your boundaries, like changing how you interact with them. It’s best to consider this response before the interaction.
- Practice in lower-risk scenarios to feel more comfortable before trying it in high-risk interactions.
- If you feel guilty about setting a boundary, ask yourself what’s stopping you from addressing your needs and do something about it by improving your boundary skills.
How to Handle the Reactions of Others to Your New Self-care Boundaries
A boundary recipient might struggle to respect or let you keep your boundaries, especially if they’ve always been allowed to get their way. As you have more life experience dealing with these specific situations, dealing with their negative feelings and actions will become easier.
Common Reactions
Some of the most common reactions you might experience when people don’t like your new boundaries include:
- Anger, sadness, and withdrawal: it’s normal for others to get angry or upset if you set a boundary. They might withdraw, cry, or try to guilt you into doing what they want.
- Trying to control or manipulate you: people might call you selfish for keeping boundaries, but remember that looking after yourself is an appropriate act of self-care! Others might use guilt, promise something in the future (“I’ll never ask again!”), or use emotional blackmail to get you to let them have their way.
- Blaming: people might try to blame you for something that’s not your fault when it’s convenient for them, like blaming you when they don’t get their way or when someone else is mad at them.
- Resistance: People might aggressively object if you set a boundary, losing their temper and yelling or trying to talk you out of it. They might tell you they can’t “do anything without your help.” This initial reaction is a manipulative tactic to get you to do what they want—prayerfully consider responding if you experience this.
Other Reactions
- Attempting to guilt trip you: people will sometimes try to make you feel guilty for standing up for yourself by accusing you of hurting them, neglecting them, or being selfish. This is commonly seen in codependent relationships.
- Making it about themselves: they might say things like “I’m working hard to make this work” when they mean “I want to keep taking advantage of you.”
Remember that self-care doesn’t make you a bad person! It’s natural and healthy to take breaks and do things for yourself.
Limits can be held in a godly way.
Monitoring Your Self-care Boundaries
Over the first few weeks, pay attention to how your boundaries affect those around you. Then, observe their reactions as you set them, primarily if they’re not used to having any limits or control over their behavior.
You might find that some people respect your boundaries while others try to pressure you into giving in. Over time, you can distinguish between people who want to accept and respect your decisions and those who want things their way.
As you navigate this new path, breathe before responding to adverse reactions to your new boundaries. Then, notice their response so you can acknowledge and respect their feelings.
Finally, you need to accept that they can have these feelings. You do not have to like or agree with them, but you must accept them and move on (instead of arguing over them).
If they listen to you, you can verbally acknowledge the feelings you notice. Next, let them know that the changes you are seeking may produce some discomfort between you. Finally, you appreciate that they want what is best for you, and thank them for their understanding and support.
No One-Size-Fits-All Self-care Boundary
You know yourself best, so don’t be afraid to experiment with different types of boundaries. Some might work for you now and then change as your life changes.
Remember that there are many different ways to set a limit, so if the first thing you try doesn’t work, don’t give up!
In conclusion, remember that although it might be hard at first to set boundaries, most people won’t want to push against them for too long.
You deserve to care for yourself and live a calm and joyful life!
Learn to say no, stand up for yourself, and know that even while serving and caring for others, you can set limits as you learn to love and respect yourself.
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originally published on September 22, 2021
Be sure to grab your FREE Self-care Starter Guide! Lisa Kimrey is a 33-year veteran registered nurse (RN), speaker, and author of the Bible study, The Self-care Impact: Motivation and Inspiration for Wellness. At Mylifenurse, Lisa combines her nursing expertise with Scripture-based encouragement to show readers who serve and care for others how to begin and maintain their self-care journey – without feeling guilty or overwhelmed – to feel happy, healthy, and rejuvenated.