The day we decided to ‘start trying’ for a baby was just an ordinary day. There wasn’t a hint of the extraordinary journey I was about to begin.
We were married for about a year when we decided it was time to start adding to our family.
I was thirty years old and ready. So, we added this simple ‘to-do’ into our lives with high hopes and low pressure.
Except it wasn’t low pressure (for me anyway). Our lives were chaotic. We were both working full-time and going to night school part-time. And we prioritized our free time to spend time with my step-son. It was difficult to save time for anything else.
We did schedule ‘date nights’ to make time for romance and intimacy. But, thanks to our busy life, many movie nights turned into nap nights. Not the sexy air-quote “nap nights”, the real fall-asleep-watching-tv-nap-nights.
The fast pace of our schedule caused time to disappear. Days became weeks. Weeks become months. Months became years.
It was in that blur that my insidious fertility struggle took hold.
My Infertility Struggle Saved Me From Giving Up on My Future
After a couple of years, my husband decided to go to graduate school. We had finished our bachelor degrees and night school was behind us.
Subsequently, he had a new schedule. Things finally slowed down a bit.
But secretly, I was starting to worry that I was messed up inside. I struggled with comparison and irrational thoughts. Why were other women older than me able to conceive and I wasn’t? Am I going to be enough for my husband like this?
And, I couldn’t figure out what else I had to do to get pregnant. Of course, I had everything mapped out (literally, on a spreadsheet). I knew when I was ovulating. The truth was I knew enough to write a ‘how to get pregnant book’.
I had it all down – everything except the actual getting pregnant part that is.
In addition to obsessing that I was messed up in my body, I started worrying about the narrowing ovulating window of opportunity. So I decided to ‘pencil in’ more time for intimacy.
(I figured he’s a guy, of course, he’ll love it!)
I’m not sure if it was my obsession with my broken body, the scheduling of intimacy like it was a dentist appointment, or if the colorful ovulation spreadsheets were off-putting – but it didn’t exactly increase the romance as I had hoped. The extra dates made our time together less and less relaxed.
There is a lot to be said for spontaneity.
And, I had another secret fear. I feared that I would not only not have a baby, but I would miss out on a ‘promising career’ on this journey. So, during a time of desperation, I did what any scared to fail,
I created a backup plan and signed up for graduate school.
The Fertility Drug
Graduate school took me about three years. After that, I had an MBA on my resume and I thought I was ready for anything.
But I wasn’t ready for everything.
I wasn’t ready for how ‘official’ seeking medical help for infertility would feel.
And I certainly wasn’t ready for the lack of reasons for my infertility. There was nothing. There was no reason for not getting pregnant. Every test came back normal.
We were completely healthy.
All except that age thing. Me being 36 years old and all. The chances of ovulation not occurring every month were higher now, so I was offered a course of
While I can’t remember exactly how often I took it, I do remember nausea and the hot flashes.
The doctor recommended intimacy every-other-day between day 11 through 21. Woo Hoo! More dates.
We muddled through the side-effects and the more intense ‘scheduled’ romance. It is funny how the pressure of spending time together can cause people to grow emotionally apart. This was an extremely hard time in our marriage. But praise God we stuck together and got through it.
My Infertility Struggle Saved Me From Myself
My husband’s new job allowed us to enjoy some vacations which helped a lot. Looking back, we should have taken more vacations. That’s my advice to you if you’re struggling. Get away – even to a nearby town for a weekend.
I didn’t get pregnant and continued taking the Clomid for the recommended time – just under a year.
And then it was time to make a decision. More intensive infertility measures (invitro fertilization), adoption, or faith.
I really want to tell you we chose faith because I had such a strong faith. But that wasn’t the reason.
We didn’t feel like the other two options were for us. I can’t even explain the reasons why they weren’t a good fit. The funny thing is, it wasn’t a talk that took us a long time to have. And the fact that we said no didn’t bother me.
As much as I wanted a baby, those options just weren’t the right options for us. I knew it.
But it did signal an end.
In my heart, I thought it was the end.
My Infertility Struggle SAVED ME!
I remember this night like it was yesterday. It had finally hit me. I could do no more. So, my only option was to lean on my faith and trust the Lord to do it for me.
I was fine with waiting longer. But, what if ‘it’ never happened? What was I supposed to do then?
That was the part that kept me awake that night.
So, after crying in bed for awhile, I decided to go to the ‘guest/future baby room’ so I wouldn’t wake up my husband. I tried to sleep, but decided to talk to the Lord instead.
My Conversation with God
“God, I’m not sure. I’m not sure you understand just how much I want to be a mom. I mean, thank you for allowing me to be a stepmom. I love it so much. But I want to be a mom to my own baby too. I can’t think of anything else I want more.”
“Well, actually I guess I know one thing. If I don’t let go and give this to you, I could lose my marriage. My desire for this baby is hurting my relationship with my husband. And I don’t want that. I love him so much. I’m pretty sure that is the only thing I do want more than to be a mom; my marriage is precious to me.”
“So God, {sigh} I can’t believe I’m saying this. I’m scared to death. I can’t even imagine my life without being a mom.”
“I know I don’t deserve it. I try to be a good person. But I’ve made bad choices – and I still make them all of the time. And I am not sure I can stop making bad choices.”
“I’m sorry I’m so selfish.”
“Okay, so even though I am telling you I CANNOT imagine my life any other way, I am going to trust you. I am going to follow you and let you lead my life and whatever that ends up looking like, I am going to trust that whatever you have planned for me is somehow going to be better for me than me being a mom. But,
My Life’s Mission
“God, I am guessing my infertility struggle saved me from something. I haven’t read the entire Bible. Well, you know I haven’t read very much of it at all, but I know some of the stories, and you use bad people for your plans. God, I promise you that if you give me a child, I will raise my baby in church. I will teach my baby about you. And I will get my child involved in Sunday school and ministry. I will raise my baby to be a missionary or a person in ministry. But, God, I need a little help with that because I don’t know anyone in ministry or missions, so I need you to connect me to some.”
And it was at that moment that I had a thought in my head. You will be in ministry. You will be the one teaching her.
I laughed.
I laughed out loud during my conversation with God. So I let the idea of pregnancy go, surrendered my life to God, and I drifted off to sleep. In peace.
A month and a half later I was visiting my mom for mother’s day and for the first time in years, was surprised when I got my period.
But the next month brought an even bigger surprise. I was finally pregnant!
My beautiful baby girl was born on February 6th, 2007, almost eight years from deciding ‘to try’ to get pregnant.
And my baptism was on November 1, 2009.
Today, I blog about self-care and I am on a mission to tell people about faith-driven self-care. I love dark chocolate and chai tea and enjoy being a work-at-home-wife and mom to a 12-year-old daughter and 24-year-old stepson who I call my son.
And I know the truth. I carry the truth of the Lord in my heart. And, deep down in my soul, I also know how my infertility struggle saved me.
To the woman on an infertility journey now, have hope and encouragement. Our God is an amazing God! He loves you. And He hears you. Most importantly, He wants to save you.
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Photo credits:
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Image by Elena Έλενα Kontogianni Κοντογιάννη from Pixabay
Lisa Kimrey is a 30-year veteran registered nurse, speaker, and author of the Bible study, The Self-care Impact: Motivation and Inspiration for Wellness. At Mylifenurse, Lisa writes about simple ways to care for yourself to stay happy, healthy, and rejuvenated while you serve and care for others. Combining her years of nursing expertise with Scripture-based encouragement, Lisa shows readers easy ways to begin and maintain their self-care journey – without feeling guilty. Be sure to grab your FREE Self-care Starter Guide!