Best Way to Cope While Caring for Difficult People

As someone who loved serving and caring for others, I knew nursing wouldn’t be a glamorous career, but I believed it was a great fit. Unfortunately, there was a planning glitch. I didn’t include how to cope while caring for difficult people—and there are more of these types of people than I expected, not just at work but in my personal life, too! Thankfully, I learned how. 

I had no idea that the lessons I learned would not just help me cope while caring for challenging people at my work but also, later in my life, while: 

• Caring for my colicky baby (and then my teenagers)
• Caregiving for my ill and aging family members 
• Serving in ministry

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My Experience While Caring for Difficult People

After three years of college training and six months of working as a registered nurse, I realized I didn’t love all people.

Sure, I love the grateful, kind, and appreciative patients. Would I love the gentle-hearted and soft-spoken ones, too? 

Slam dunk. 

And the smiling, the clean, and the good-smelling patients?  

Check. 

How about the dirty, the yelling, or the vulgar-talking people? 

Not so much. 

Did I love the ones calling me names? That was a definite no.

Not only did the patients’ behaviors clash with my personality and disposition, but they also scared the daylights out of me. They would bring me to tears, or I would freeze in my steps. 

Other times, I felt offended, angry, taken advantage of, and resentful. These people hurt my feelings and made me feel incompetent.  

At that time, I was unaware of the need to know how to manage all of that. However, a special nurse taught me how to deal with it while we were caring for no other than a difficult patient. A patient that I will never forget.  

The Incident

After transferring into a new role as an intensive care unit (ICU) nurse, a woman was admitted with a drug overdose. 

She was combative, confused, and angry.

She was screaming obscenities and calling people every rude name she knew. Her hands were loosely restrained, but her legs were swinging and kicking at anyone ignorant of her range.

I recognized the stained, ripped clothing and dirty skin. The clues implied that this woman was possibly homeless or not living comfortably. 

But I didn’t recognize the stench that filled the room. It was something so rotten it made my throat burn. I had never smelled that odor before. 

We quickly identified the source. 

This patient’s groin was covered in layers upon layers of maggots. 

It was unclear whether it was infection, disease, or filth attracting and feeding those nasty larvae.

But those things had to go, so her nurse (and my preceptor) prepared to scrub her entire body clean. As my preceptor’s assistant that day, I was also part of this project. 

So I helped by:

• Holding the patient’s limbs as needed 
• Changing bathwater (multiple times)
• Fetching for more linens (again and again)
• Emptying trash liners

For 2 ½ hours, the nurse scrubbed. 

And for 2 ½ hours, I helped. 

For 2 ½ hours, the patient screamed and yelled and kicked and spat. 

It was one of the most wretched things I had ever witnessed. 

At one point, when I couldn’t take it any longer, I asked my preceptor, “Why are we doing this to her? She doesn’t even seem to want this. This is awful!”

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What I Was Taught

Here’s how to cope while caring for hard people and doing difficult care.

See life from the patient’s view so you can put their needs first. That way, you provide care that is comforting to the patient, not what would be comforting to you. People are less difficult when you help them find true comfort.

She went on to say that there are times when the people we care for do not even realize what they need to be comfortable. For some patients, we address the ABCs (airway, breathing, and circulation) to make them comfortable.

Pain management, nutrition, physical touch, or verbal encouragement will meet the needs of others we care for. We meet them where they are in each situation. 

In this case, it was a bath.

(Sometimes, verbal de-escalation techniques may also be needed, so I’m posting this information as a resource.)  

As we continued providing care, I learned that:

• Hand-holding
• Prayers
• A soft pillow
• Or any of the ‘touchy’ stuff …

wouldn’t make a difference for this patient.

To make her comfortable, I had to care for her specific needs that day. 

I had to meet her where she was. And today, she needed self-care (hygiene) and rest. 

So we met the needs that she couldn’t.

We couldn’t change her life, but a bath would make her more comfortable, and being clean would give her dignity.

Later that night, I observed an amazing sight.

She rested. Comfortably.

We didn’t get a smile, a thank you, or even eye contact from this patient. But we did see her vital signs stabilize, her kicking stop, and her body rest. 

What I Learned While Caring for Troublesome People

Working with this patient helped me grow into a better nurse. 

I learned that offensive odors represent suffering. 

Following my nose allowed me to provide appropriate comfort measures for:

• Incontinence
• Infected wounds
• Gastrointestinal bleeding
• Drug or alcohol abuse
• Mental illness

Offensive odors are a symptom, not a root cause. Judging the symptoms isn’t helpful to anyone.

This applies to odors, behavior, and comments.

Tips to Cope While Caring for Difficult People

Here are 5 tips to help you cope while caring for difficult or challenging people.

Understanding Difficult Behaviors

Coping with challenging individuals often starts by recognizing the multiple forms of problematic behavior. These can range from a chronic complainer at your work to a hostile family member who seems to thrive on negative reactions while you provide care. 

At the core of many difficult situations lies a unique blend of personality types, personal issues, and, perhaps most commonly, a hidden need or loss of independence. 

In other words, it’s usually not about you or the care you are providing. So, by identifying these types of troublesome behavior, you position yourself to navigate these interactions more effectively. 

Acknowledging the root cause behind a family member’s or a problematic person’s demanding behavior is powerful. It paves the way for a more positive outcome and represents your first step towards peace of mind and fostering healthier relationships. 

The key is to shift your responses from reactivity to compassion and understanding, setting the stage for better interactions with such people. 

As well as knowing yourself.

How to Use Empathy and Perspective-Taking

Many of us have encountered someone who tests our patience and peace of mind. 

It could be a chronic complainer in your work place or a family member whose perspective seems worlds away from your own. 

Empathy is a powerful tool. Understanding the world from a difficult person’s point of view can transform interactions. 

This shift doesn’t just happen overnight but requires practice and patience. By putting yourself in their shoes, you may discover the root cause of their behavior, be it a loss of independence, personal issues, or a hidden need they struggle to express. 

Empathy helps you better understand such people, enabling you to respond in a way that promotes a healthy relationship rather than a vicious cycle of negative reactions. 

Next time you encounter a challenging situation, take a few deep breaths and try to see the world through the difficult person’s eyes. This step can bring peace of mind for you and a more positive outcome for both parties involved. 

Setting Healthy Boundaries

Setting boundaries with difficult individuals is the best way to shield your peace of mind and nurture healthy relationships. 

It’s crucial to practice empathy yet set clear lines when you set limits. This approach ensures that, despite challenging situations, you maintain control over your own responses. 

Assertively communicating your needs is a powerful tool. 

Making eye contact and using a calm yet firm tone can convey your message without inviting negative emotions. 

It’s not about winning the argument but protecting your mental space. When all else fails, stepping back and focusing on your behavior reminds you that you are only responsible for how you react, not how others act. This attitude will go a long way and is the best advice for making progress in difficult relationships.

Communication Skills for Difficult Conversations

Mastering communication in challenging situations demands empathy, strategy, and boundary-setting. 

Active listening is one of the best techniques, requiring full attention and an open mind. This approach encourages problematic people to feel heard, potentially diffusing negative emotions and leading to a more positive outcome. 

Avoid personal attacks at all costs; direct attacks can harden opinions, leading to a vicious cycle of reactivity. Instead, focus on the situation without letting personal issues cloud the discourse.

Expressing your feelings is crucial, yet it should never be straightforward blame. 

Use “I” statements to convey your reactions to the difficult behavior rather than accusing the other party of wrongdoing. This method fosters a safer space for open dialogue, paving the way for a healthier relationship despite previous discord. 

Self-care and Seeking Support

Self-care is the best way to cope while caring for difficult people. 

Almost twenty-seven years later, I remember this patient resting in her bed. She taught me to embrace the humility of caregiving so I could provide care that would comfort the person receiving it. I am grateful for his lesson. 

Unfortunately, balancing the humility and servanthood of caregiving eventually became an overwhelming struggle. 

My ability to put others’ needs first bled over into my personal life and close relationships. I developed an unhealthy and exhausting lifestyle of putting my own needs last. Eventually, even my self-care suffered. I was tired physically, exhausted emotionally and mentally, and unfulfilled spiritually. 

My faith in God helped me see how to care for myself better. Not only should I see the patient as a person made in God’s image, but I also need to see myself that way.

Loving the people you care for doesn’t mean you stop loving yourself. We are both created in God’s image.

Self-care has demonstrated its power in safeguarding mental health, especially when surrounded by negative emotions. Taking regular mental health breaks affords you space to breathe, offering a break from the stress that often accompanies such challenging situations. Caregivers are not machines. We need to take care of ourselves, find ways to be comfortable and manage stress so we can continue to care for the people we love.

Understanding this changed my life and how I cared for people, not just in nursing. The Lord helped me improve my self-care and continue caring for and coping with challenging people inside and outside my work role. 

As a Parent

Parenting is a rewarding endeavor. But, while caring for a colicky infant, a 20-minute bath (alone) was what I needed to rest and feel comfortable. Taking care of myself was what I needed to do to cope and continue to care for my crying and screaming child, day after day, for nine long months.

As a Family Caregiver

Family caregiving, while necessary, is stressful. 

While coordinating care for my grandmother, I watched my aunt experience extreme stress. I pleaded with my aunt, her in-home caregiver, to take better care of herself. A live-in caregiver is one of, if not ‘the’ most stressful caregiving situations. It’s important to lean on friends and talk to your siblings. Now, while coordinating care long-distance for my aging parents, I encourage my brother to take care of himself as a live-in caregiver and remind him of our aunt.

As a Servant in Ministry

Often, serving in ministry is one of the most rewarding acts of caring you can perform. 

But it can also be challenging to cope while caring for arduous people who repeatedly make the same mistakes, aren’t appreciative, or don’t want to abandon destructive and dangerous lifestyles. 

Sometimes, this negative worldview can make you feel like you are not making any difference, leading to compassion fatigue. But if you take some time to provide regular self-care, you will be more able to realign your perspective and realize you are making a difference.

Reaching out to a small group or seeking professional guidance can significantly ease the burden, ensuring you’re not the only person striving to maintain peace of mind amidst difficult behavior. These practices foster a healthier personal life and empower you to offer better, more empathetic care to those challenging individuals. 

Ultimately, prioritizing self-care halts the descent into caregiver burnout, securing your well-being and ability to make a positive impact. 

How to Cope While Caring for Difficult People

Please remember the patient in my story above. Remember how important something as simple as a bath was for her to rest comfortably. These simple things are important during home caregiving, too. They can help you cope while caring for your children or ill or aging parents. Things like quiet time—even 5 minutes—like getting outside for 20-30 minutes, and if you can, getting out for an hour or two as often as possible. Remember, rest and self-care will comfort you, the caregiver, too. Remember to see your patient, loved one, and yourself as people made in God’s image.

We can make a positive difference in someone’s life even when we can’t improve their situation or change unhealthy or dangerous lifestyle choices. To advocate for the patient’s well-being does not mean approving their choices. Only after courageously loving the patient does a true need become apparent.  This meant loving the patient as a person created in God’s image (Genesis 1:27) (NLT).

Caregiving is a messy job. 

While making the person comfortable doesn’t always make them act less difficult, seeing them as a person made in the image of God can change our thoughts and actions. This almost always helps me cope more effectively.

Closing for The Best Way to Cope While Caring for Difficult People

Caregiving is hard. 

And not just for a nurse. It’s hard for everyone!

In closing, self-care is a powerful tool vital for resilience. You learned the importance of mental health breaks, the value of seeking support from a small group or professionals, and how these practices enable you to provide better care for others. 

 Acknowledging your feelings and reactions can help you adapt, grow, and prepare for the next time you face such tasks. With these insights, you are more equipped than ever to turn negative emotions and situations into opportunities for growth and understanding. 

So, take a deep breath. Let the knowledge that you’ve discovered light your path. Know that you will begin navigating these situations gracefully and resiliently with empathy, clear communication, and steadfast self-care. 

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Post originally published July 12, 2019