How to Care for Aging Parents as Siblings: 5 Tips to Be Happy

Is taking care of your aging parents stressful? Silly question, Right? Of course, it is. And doing it alone is hard. But don’t you think working with your siblings can be even harder sometimes?

Sibling caregivers have a laborious job. They all have to work together while caring for their parents, who may be ill or in declining health.

I can’t think of very many things that are more emotionally exhausting than working with my brothers to care for my parents. Don’t get me wrong – we love each other and get along – like peas in a pod:).

However, my siblings and I each have different memories, needs, emotions, and desires when helping my parents.

Their ideas are different than mine. And we each think we are right.

The reality is that we may ALL be right.

So here are some tips to help you care for aging parents as siblings.

Exhausted and Overwhelmed?

This Self-care Starter Guide will show you 3 simple steps to take RIGHT NOW to better care for yourself. 

Be sure to grab yours! Get your FREE copy of the Self-care Starter Guide HERE!

Growing Needs for Elderly Parents

Yes, caregiving is stressful, but when we provide care to our parents with siblings, things can get stressful and complicated. It is complicated, like a plate of spaghetti where everything intertwines with one another.

For example, the caregiving needs of parents can vary and may include:

• Daily personal care
• Healthcare service coordination
• Transportation
• Paying bills
• Shopping or meal preparation
• Lawn care or house maintenance

Typically, the responsibility for our parents may start small, but their needs can snowball.

Sometimes, seemingly overnight, care needs can become a full-time job.

So what can you do?

First, remember that there is no such thing as a perfect family.

However, although there isn’t a perfect way to care for parents, some strategies can make it easier and help keep everyone happy with one another.

How To Care for Aging Parents as Siblings – Communication

We’ve already identified that working with your siblings can confound the process and increase the steps involved in providing care to your parents.

To reduce the stress, it’s essential to keep communicating.

The initial step of this strategy is to bring everyone together to focus on the parent’s current situation, prioritize the needs, and then work through the list of priorities. When possible, have a family meeting.

It works best when you and your parents and siblings are together.

Encourage parents to voice their wishes before any health changes occur.

Encourage your parents to share their vision of a best-case scenario and proceed to more severe needs. Strive to openly discuss their desires and the best options to meet them.

Unfortunately, most people do not have discussions about these topics until caregiving needs are required.

Thus, when caring issues arise suddenly, it can feel like a desperate time for caregivers.

Each sibling may not only cope differently but also may focus on another period emotionally (including feelings from childhood to anticipation of the loss of the parent).

If this is your situation, it can be helpful to have all of the family together (this works best in person, but using video or phone is okay if necessary) to ensure everyone:

• Hears the same things
• Knows what to expect
• Knows what they are supposed to do
• Knows what the other siblings are supposed to do

How to Relieve the ‘Facilitator’ Burden

A nurse, social worker, or other healthcare provider can facilitate the family meeting if the parent is in a healthcare facility. If the parent is not in an institution, home-based services are available.

Healthcare providers can be a non-biased voice.

It is helpful to use a healthcare provider as the meeting facilitator because the provider can:

1. Be the expert on healthcare needs.
2. Allow everyone to ask questions.
3. Promote looking at the situation through the parent’s needs (versus a sibling’s needs or emotions).
4. Focus on an action plan that is results-oriented versus being emotionally driven.

The Key – Work From Strengths

Feelings about caring for aging parents as siblings are a lot like how people feel about their driving. Everyone thinks they know best!

There are times when a primary caregiver for a parent is evident; there’s a healthcare worker in the family, one person lives nearby, or one is already providing some care.

But sometimes, a primary caregiver is chosen because they are the ‘least bad’ at it or are the only ones living close to the parent.

In either case, the caregiver should be honest, open, and accurate about what types of tasks or help the parent will require in the long term.

Whatever the situation, each sibling should be asked to bring their strengths to the table. What are they good at, and what are they willing to contribute?

A best-case scenario would be where one person feels like they can take on the hands-on care, and everyone else can offer support in the following ways:

• Emotional support to parents and siblings (frequently calling to check on and coordinate other caregiving needs).
• Financial assistance (assisting with payment for uncovered expenses for the parent or helping to manage the parent’s finances).
• Helping the other parent (with lawn care, bill paying, transportation, shopping, etc.).
• Providing respite care or help.
• Assisting with research and phone calls.

Of course, it will never just roll out picture perfect, but this is a roadmap you can use while navigating through the particular care requirements when you provide care for aging parents as siblings.

Start filling the needs from each other’s strengths and then work to fill in the gaps in other ways. If able, hire out the services you don’t like to do or aren’t good at doing.

My referral and affiliate links are below. If you click through & make a purchase, I may receive a commission at no additional cost to you. My full disclosure can be viewed for details.

Looking for a way to stay motivated to take better care of yourself? Click my affiliate link to check out my Bible study.

How To Care for Aging Parents as Siblings: Set Up Caregiving Milestones and Expectations

Another strategy for sibling caregivers is to set up pre-established caregiving milestones (benchmarks) and expectations. For example:

• If the parent can do [this task] independently, we provide [this care].
• If a parent’s independence or health declines and they cannot do [this task], we change to [this care].

Conversations like these, with everyone present, set the expectations for the parents and the siblings.

It is also a way to give the primary caregiver ‘permission’ to relinquish caregiving responsibilities as the care becomes more involved and challenging.

This is important because it gets harder to ‘let go’ of the care as the parent’s health declines. It can be even harder to ‘let go’ when you care for aging parents as siblings because more people’s emotions are involved.

4. Remember – You Are a T.E.A.M.

During emotional stress, manners tend to fly out of the window – especially when you attempt to care for aging parents as siblings.

It is important to keep your eye on the prize, whether keeping your parent in their home or reaching a particular milestone.

T: Try

Try to get along with your family.

It is easy to let emotions and past problems get the best of us. Starting each day with the prize in mind can help tame emotional hurts and outbursts.

Another strategy is to remember that everyone’s opinion has value. In each case, you are never 100% right, and your siblings are not 100% wrong.

You may not always agree with everything your siblings say or desire, but you may find you can ‘live with it’ for your parent’s care.

E: Everyone

Everyone takes on a task.

Consider working from strengths and rotating on tasks that no one enjoys. You may even want to consider using volunteers or hiring others for non-favorite tasks.

Do not assume the in-home caregiver can handle everything, no matter how good things ‘appear.’

It takes everyone working together to make it over the long term.

A: Assess

Assess the parent’s needs regularly.

Reevaluate needs bi-weekly, monthly, or quarterly.

Do not assume that one plan will last forever. Typically, the longer the care is necessary, the more intensive the care needs become.

M: Motivate

Motivate and encourage each other. Everyone in the family will feel the stress, so be kind to each other.

How to Care for Aging Parents as Siblings: Accept Differences

Everyone has emotional baggage of some kind when it comes to working together as a family.

Do not use the caregiving time to get back at each other or solve problems.

The bottom line: While sibling caregivers can grow together and heal past differences during a caregiving experience, it may not always happen.

Sometimes, just accepting that the caregiving process is about your parents’ needs will facilitate a better relationship with your family.

Lean on Your Faith When You Care for Aging Parents as Siblings

If you are a person of faith, now is the time to lean on your faith.

For some of us, caring for our parents may be a calling the Lord has placed on our hearts for now.

For others, caring for others is our purpose in life. Either way, self-care is important to prevent stress or burnout.

Your self-care matters!

We all can feel overwhelmed caring for others.

Meditation has been shown in research to reduce anxiety and stress. Engaging in prayer is also a form of meditation. Worship and regular church attendance have also been found to reduce anxiety and manage stress.

If your faith is important to you, I want to encourage you to utilize the truth of God shared in the Bible.

You can use scripture to help you find the courage to start taking better care of yourself and the motivation to continue good self-care.

Romans 12:1 reads, “Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God-this is your true and proper worship.” (NIV).

You can offer your self-care as a living sacrifice!

Likely, you are not just taking care of your aging parents.

You may also be trying to take better care of yourself. You take care of others, too. Whether you care for your children, support your spouse, serve in a ministry, or maybe even all of the above, it takes motivation to prioritize self-care when caring for others. So consider taking care of yourself to worship and honor the Lord.

Closing Words

In closing – here are a few parting words as you care for aging parents as siblings. Providing care for an aging or ill parent is always hard.

Applying these strategies can help.

1. Remember to always start with communication.
2. Work from strengths.
3. Set up caregiving milestones and expectations ahead of time.
4. Work as a T.E.A.M.
5. Accept differences.
6. Lean on your faith.

It will not make it perfect, but it will help everyone stay focused on the main goal: providing the best quality care to your parents.

And that can make everyone happier.

Don’t forget your FREE Self-care Starter Guide! Get it HERE.

Thanks for reading! Know someone who would benefit from reading this post? Share it on social media!

Ready for more? Here are my latest posts!

• Best Printable Advent Bible Reading Plan for Rest
• 4 Quick & Easy Tips to Lower Blood Pressure
• When the Holidays Feel Heavy: 9 Simple Self-Care Tips for Missing Someone You Love
• 10 Frugal Foods to Eat for a Healthy Pregnancy and Baby
• 9 Must-Read Blog Posts to Manage High Blood Pressure Naturally

Originally published February 25, 2018